| Wednesday, November 2nd, 2005 |
| 1:02 pm |
im a fuckin idiot. my house is so fucking lonely after living with 42 people being in a house alone is real creepy. probablly not the best idea to eat shrrooommies and smoke alot of weed for the first time in months. holiday hours at my work start im gone be doin 50 to 60 hours a week. try to get that probabtion paid of so i can end this shit in april. some things i cant escape. |
| Saturday, February 12th, 2005 |
| 12:37 pm |
woah. i am the dummest bitch eva. let me not remember last night so i casn go to jail. make sence? neither do i. back in the system is where a belong. that is what the world is telling me. i want to kill myself but i dont know how. i cannot find my daddies gun and i dont know if he has bullets anyway. i want to slit my wriusts in the bathtub movie star style but im scared it wont work. i wish i could leave this place but im scared of the aftermath. i asked god if he would make me blow clean so i knew he was their. i guess hes not. now i have to go away again. im so thankful for my matt. we have not a ounce of tension and i dont think we ever will. even after a million years we are just like we used to be exept not drunk. we have to go poop at the same time. thats meant to be. do i have to quit my job? what do i say to them i got drunk so i need 6 months off? who does that? i wish i could od on anything. i really really reallly waznt to die. guilt shame blah blkah blah id rather not have it. somthing is telling me to die. i justy heard a gunshot. thats my password. i wish youd call me right now. its gonna be awhile. i am so fucked up. im obviously worthless and will never learn a thing. |
| Monday, February 7th, 2005 |
| 1:06 am |
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| Saturday, February 5th, 2005 |
| 11:10 am |
love three boys named tom
keep pretending you know what love is and so will i we want back what was perfect but when perfect has chnaged it will never be the same. its much easier to know its dead. i got robbed last night, 60 bucks. all the guys i work with are a bloody mess i am so glad it is my day off, and i get to spend it with someone who hardly bothers me. sushi, trainspotting,exersize, maybe a show, not spending 60 bucks and love. i remember how much i hate drinking because of thurs night. and i really might want a strap on and a girlfriend or at least as strap on party with girls. do you? or is that weird. what a safe way to get your groove on, they should sell dildos and stap ons on commissary in jail. " i only had like a glass, or a bottle." Current Mood:  blank |
| Saturday, January 29th, 2005 |
| 12:41 am |
perfect as an old fashoin television show
i am so sick of jams ruining the only chance a have to sleep in. i am so sick of having people drive me to work i gotta do laundry, clean everything,not spend a penny and find 2 roommates within 72 hours |
| Friday, January 28th, 2005 |
| 1:23 am |
valenti
its almost like valentine. and maybe he will be mine. im goin on a real date tommarrow like a real akward dont know what to do or wear kinda date. im so scared. he calls me boring girl. and he asked me out so smooth i didnt even relize he WAS askin me till after i said yeah. this is the latest ive been up in a long time, i am so tired. what if we dont go out? im gonna be so sad but not because i like him, because i just wanna go on a date. (sigh) were both gonna smell like pizza aaannndddd neither of us have a valid lisence! this is gonna be interesting. Current Mood:  nervous |
| Tuesday, January 25th, 2005 |
| 6:48 pm |
im not a player i just fuck alot.
he dipped the needle in heroin he sunk it softly beneath my skin at that moment i tasted wine he whispered in my ear everything would by fine none but one could truely see out of that one there was no one but me. i cut my finger at work today i took a shower and the hair kept getting underneath it it reminds me of the time i cut my hand realy bad and i asked you to wash my hair for me. i dont remember if you did or not. in rehab we had t and a bans! titties and ass? yes these were when a girl and guy got too close and all the other guys were jealouse. Current Mood: iyyiiiyyyiiiiyyy |
| Monday, January 24th, 2005 |
| 5:22 pm |
it is way cool to sit here and laugh at you
mexicans say, "what up lady". it makes me wonder if your really supposed to say hola chica? hello girl? i dont get it what i do get is "chalet vato!" i am so bored, i deffinatly need some chaos. so i will still hold onto the dream of one love untill something more exiting comes along and bumps me in the nose. like a serial killer. i really think dave is one of those, i always have. and then this one day we got pulled over and he was pretty damn nervouse considering the fact we didnt have anything illegal. so we both get seat belt tickets and right after he says, what if the cop put a gun up to me and told you i was wanted for murder in 7 states. why did he pick 7 states. i think he was exaggerated to look cooler. justr like today i didnt weigh the cheese because nobdy else does and i wanted to be cool like them well my strobolli came out fifteen times the size of any strombolli ive ever seen. when me and martin used to play in high school, he used to always tell me, "evetyime you try look look cool you fall or your voice squeaks or somehtin." this is so true, martin is my favorite. like this one time i jumped to conclusions and tried to fight scara, and she pinned me up against the fridge , from what i remember she lifted me up by the throat. i was trying to be cool and look tough or som,thing. im through being cool. i havent done laudny in a long long time and yesterdxay i came home my dad said i smelled like b.o. somethings only happen once in a lifetime... that was not one of them. so im gonna wait till next year to do burning man but im gonna have a instrument making camp. i couldnt think of anythingto do but i remember mel sayin her fav sound was the rainstick and she never made them in elementary . well i wonder how many peopl other people didnt make them in elemantary? noise is way cool. and making instruments out of stuff i find is way cheap. its perfect. im goin to arizona in september so i might help clean up since ill be right next store. i wish 5:00 was bedtime, i like it better when i dont do antyhing because it goes by alot faster. i dont know if that a good thing or a bad thing. i cant tell if its a punishment or a reward. i have an ulcer again, and its because i havent been laid in a year. Current Mood:  dorky |
| Friday, January 21st, 2005 |
| 8:46 pm |
i think i found it. yay i think i found it. |
| 10:19 am |
"jesus loves me but not my wife not my nigger friends or their nigger lives" fuckin slut. so yesterday althaway home from gaylords my daddy yelled at me about how i suck. how he thinks im a pain in the ass when i live at home because i cant do anything for myself. which is very true but its not like im not trying to fix myself up or anything. and its not like my 21 year old sister hasnt had a job since she was 18 and has a brand new car a house and her college paid for. fuck that shit man. or that she got that car last year the day of my birthday. lemme just go throw a pitty party for myself, with non alchohalic beer and salvia ;) fuckin a man. Current Mood:  angry |
| Wednesday, January 19th, 2005 |
| 6:08 pm |
eeewww, dont play the new stuff till its old!
yay what a cool concert, enough visual stuff to keep me satisfied, fist tap dancing then cool movies. bright eyes was not very cool i almost left early i was so happy with the other two bands. so now i have new music i can paint to and since im out of money alot of painting i will have to do. paint sticks to my knuckles and i scrap it off and they bleed and my dad thinks ive been in a fight or just punvhing stuff. thats totally not me. in order to get my fourteen million cavities filled and my root canal i must be a full time student by the time im 19. hhmmmm. thats gonna be tough. i really reall wanna go to burning man which isnt that impoosible if i could only find someone besides dave who is willing to take me. i cant wait till the auto show is done so i can get some carpet for my new room!!!i can just see it yayy i want aton of happy colors and beads and little gargoyles!!yay. hhhhhmmmm i think tis time to paint. |
| Sunday, January 16th, 2005 |
| 8:24 am |
woah what a scary dream. i dont know what the fuck thats supposed to mean but something pretty goddamned awful. but yay my cd comes into borders today and yay my last huge day of work. in australia they say brilliant instead of like, awesome or cool? last night when i started over heating the first thing i found to put on was my moms bra. now if i had to wear bras this kind would be the winner they are like the biggest, most covering bras you could ever imagine, i cant even tell its there, i think im even gonna wear it to work today. this is brilliant Current Mood:  cold |
| Tuesday, January 11th, 2005 |
| 12:29 am |
am i cruel am i heartless can i love can i be loved something is deffinatly wronge with this part of me i cant do it i dont want it you ussually want it to much if i could id dissapear but i cant hide from this curse. aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh hhhhhhhh Current Mood:  crazy |
| Thursday, January 6th, 2005 |
| 7:10 pm |
i really need a place in ypsi or ann arbor. today i went to probation and my po wasnt there i really needed to talk to her so i was bummed out. i found out my files arent all concurent so that means i owe like 120 instead of forty each month so i owe 720, 960, and540. thats.......2220. and i still have two more years of probabtion. if anything makes me wanna get drunk and fall of the top of a big buildiing, this does. im 18 fucking years old with a 7.50 an hour part time job. what do they expect. seriously that is some bulshit. now a igotta go blow up the court house. and i accidently told the state i have a job so now there after me about my drunk driving fines. they keep callin and i keep forgeting to mail them money. im so used to running away from all this its such a pain in the ass to deal with. i cant fucking hide anymore though. my mess can get a whole lot worse. im glad my folks are being awesome about everything and supporting me in everyway they can i cant stand jesus freaks man. how do people get like that. those poor souls. the god stuff aint so bad but the jesus bullshit drives me mad. this jewish guy came to my work and hes soo funny. he loos acts and talks sssoooo jewish. i know that sounds awful but its so true. Current Mood: aggravated |
| Wednesday, December 29th, 2004 |
| 9:55 am |
i get a little bit of money
watches, bags, belts, necklaces, socks, panties, bracellets, skirts and shirts. yeah thats what. i thought i was gonna get my liscence back but when i found out how much my insurance will be i changed my mind. its really hard not have a place to put all my shit though. i thought i had all this money come to realize i can spend just as much not doing drugs as i can doing em. thats dumb. this week im gonna start the fish tank experiment, i wanna kick ass garden so im getting started on the tough stuff. i was gonna go to school but i dont know what i wanna do, i honestly cant see myself doing anything. i like to cook but i wouldnt want to be a chef or anything. maybe some kind of alternative healing its pretty big out west but thats not real;ly where i wanna be. i thought i was on a roll but i see im not, but whatever it gives me time to do other dumb stuff. im too cool for school anyhow! i dunno what to do for new years, w_vibe maybe. i have jams like nine times a day. it puts a real damper on things. book store owners are the silliest people ever. i think i want one. Current Mood:  contemplative |
| Tuesday, December 21st, 2004 |
| 9:28 am |
im so torn between the city and country. one idea: get the $300 apartment in wisconsin for a month bring tons of paint, a camara, lots of fabric, my sewing machine,cd's, and a harmonica. come home later....i am soo fucking bored i need to go somewhere. i have the money i have the time but i dont have the car. our store is closed for the two weeks during christmas. i think im gonna travel its about time i just need to work for another 6 months or so, get my liscence and take off. nothing can hold me back. i guess country wins i just realizeed horrible i am iwht people i get nervouse embarressed and ussually drunk? so i can just have alot alot alot of goats and bunnys and 2 cows maybe a horse. and live im a log cabin. oatmeal is my favorite breakfast food. why are all the boys in the world turning into girls. i went to them mall and saw like 50 "metrosexuals" what the fuck happend to manly men who do manly stuff. i dunno its weird and i dont like it. stewart the bunny is goin through puberty he humps alot now like relaly really dramatically, then hwe goes and taps a nap. stewart is a manly man.but anyway he really needs a girlfriend i dont no what to do. since he is i wild bunny he should have a wild bunny gf but its not everyday that the fair comes to town with wild bunnys? |
| Wednesday, December 15th, 2004 |
| 5:52 pm |
everytime i et meat i fall asleep for three days. im gonna have a huge garden this year with tons of green beans! sunflowers, lemons, and somway somwhow im gonna have some gaoddamn coconuts!!!mmmmm im gonna go to the ocean and do yoga on the beach. maybe ill but a house boat and do yoga on my house boat instead?or both excersize makes me so happy, almost like music. that weirdo went to jail for a year and got 6 years probation. hes never gonna get a job and hell probablly kill himself if hes smart, or hell become a catholic preist. i dunno but i had an awful dream about getting kidnapped and i think he deserves it. jail not being kidnapped. yerba mante is my new favorite tea it give you tons of energy but without the caffeine!! last night our car got towed in ann arbor we had to go to the police staion and it was so weird being able to take care of shit without being scared because of a warrent or being fucked up and parranoid or anything! they were realyy nice too which was weird, i dont beleive cops are people too or anything but they musta been having a good day.hehe as soon as i get off jams im driving to florida probsbly by myself, im gonna see some shows maybe look at places to live and see some chicos and maybe find a scool. i think i can go to trade school for pretty much nothing since "i have a drug problem":) truck driving school would be the shit but i think i should learn how to drive again first my chiropracter rocks. he is the best of the best. |
| Monday, November 29th, 2004 |
| 2:06 pm |
i cant quit my job. why i drive an hour just to make pizza for rich college kids, ask me again i still wont know?(sigh) my 100 day sober woohoo! these boys came to get pizza all decked out in tie dye and i could tell they were really uncomfortable. i was waiting for them to decide what they wanted and they were taking like more than 15 minutes, so i styarted listening to what they were trying to whisper about....turns out they ate a bunch of mushrooms and couldnt tell what anything was and"werent ready for public yet" so i stared moving my mouth like i was talking to them but not saying anything and thn talking in crazy accents and in spanish and stuff. they were 16 and so scared! maya tried to rob me on tuesday, but befor she made her getaway she passed out on my bathroom floor. tranquelizers and wine not the best choise of drugs for the night? i think its really funny now but i think she left with a heartache. now she's in the phyce ward, i sure pic the winners. the girls in ann arbor stole all my fancy panties! weird crowd. kottonmouth kings soonish. yay for that. Current Mood: crazy |
| Monday, November 22nd, 2004 |
| 10:31 am |
what a trip. Current Mood:  accomplished |
| Monday, November 15th, 2004 |
| 5:37 pm |
nevermind, i dont think i wanna know.
f you think that i dont notice that your not looking me in the eye.then your blind.and i dont have the time.to sit here and wondr just whats under your skin tonight.i know that theres a problem but i dont understandif its in my chest or in your hand. Current Mood:  relieved |
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